I never used to be able to understand how some of my favourite bloggers seemed to disappear off of the face of the earth. It seemed strange they had merrily been blogging away one day and then had an unexpected hiatus only to return 6 months later apologising for their absence and giving us a brief catch up on their lives or giving us an explanation as to why they had decided to give up blogging altogether. Those were the good ones, there were always some who simply disappeared with no explanation. Those ones hurt more because you always worry it was something bad and not in fact just them losing interest. I didn't expect to be one of those bloggers, yet here we are.

I’m going to be honest, I never expected to stick it out with blogging. I started my blog on impulse after visiting some really good ones at the end of university. I was 21, jobless and could finally enjoy reading again because I wasn't required to read pages of dry historical text. I began with The Hunger Games and Divergent and that whole wave of dystopian YA books which were coming out. I then slowly drifted to some contemporary YA and a lot of sci-fi and fantasy stuff. I didn't take up blogging then, though. It took another year or two of me starting working my second job and feeling a bit lost. I loved reading but never had anyone to talk books with and then it clicked, I should start a blog. The internet has always been the place I've turned to for pretty much everything so why can't it solve my book problems too? It certainly got me into reading again (although I'd never stopped buying books). I thought it wouldn't last. I have a short attention span and commitment issues, yet here we are. My blog is 7 years old and I've had it longer than a lot of good relationships last. But it has been neglected lately and I did worry I was losing interest, I still worry I am. But I miss the social side even if the admin and boring parts of blogging fill me with dread (I'm looking at you post formatting and general blog upkeep).

I've drafted about a dozen 'I'm back' type posts over the past few months. I have wanted to return but the longer I wait the more awkward I feel about it. It's like when you meet new people and forget someone's name. The longer you wait to ask them to remind you the more awkward it is to admit you don't know. It's part of why I've not really even been visiting blogs (although I do keep trying and so you will have seen my name about) I just feel like everyone has been hanging out without me while I've been gone. Hell, a lot of people who used to always be on my blog feed have disappeared off too. I guess I wasn't the only one struggling with blogging during a global pandemic. How crazy and unexpected.

I am back now, I won't be following a set schedule of posting, I don't even have a good reading routine in place right now let alone a routine for blogging. My life revolves around work, sleep, and walking to my mom's to avoid being at home. I suppose I have life stuff to fill you in on but it kind of feels awkward to just throw it all at you when I've not been around lately. I don't want to be that friend you haven't seen in years who unloads all of their life drama on you as soon as you see each other again. It's boring and a little needy and I guess I don't want to make it all about me. But then, I suppose starting a blog kind of makes you the central focus? Maybe, I secretly like the attention? I don't know, life can be discussed at a later date if you really want the details I guess?

I will sy it hasn’t been all doom and gloom around here. Yes, I do probably over work and need a better work/life balance, but my managers also recognise the work I’m doing and I’m being supported so I may need to take more annual leave but they are reminding me of that fact too so I avoid burn out. And now restrictions have eased again (potentially too soon, but we will see what comes of it in a few months) I am seeing friends and getting out of the house. I have been on trips to Birmingham and Ludlow and had fun adventures outdoors which aren’t in my back garden. I’m also now fully vaccinated and can feel comforted that I have that extra layer of protection even if there is no guarantee of how long it lasts, I have done all I can to protect myself and those around me outside of wearing a face mask.

Well, we can have a catch up later. Until then this rambling post will serve as my 'I'm still alive post' and as a warning that there are more posts to come. I have missed using my brain for anything other than work and the occasional sudoku puzzle.

So what have I missed? What are your favourite books of the year so far? Have you discovered a new favourite blogger or 5 you think I should check out? And how are you all coping with things, feel free to unload on my like I haven't with you guys.

@afoolsingenuity is just a cool person and nice and always so enthusiastic in her book reviews when she likes a book, I love it!

— Kristen (Metaphors and Moonlight) (@whykristenburns) April 1, 2020

• I don't want to feel obligated to review every book I read and it’s enough with having a pile of unread ARCs on my Kindle. I love getting ARCS and having a chance to read the books I’m eagerly awaiting the release of but I can’t keep not reading books. I have a whole bunch on my Kindle and shelves and I want to start focusing on older books as well as new.
• I also want to start saving money and buying less. I think I am going to have a spending limit on myself and start spending more time trying to only get the books I know I will read and not keep impulse buying in sales. And I want to spend more time utilising my local library for books. I haven’t visited in so long and although I’m using the online borrowing more I often find I borrow a book and don’t get to reading it on there. Anyway, more celebrating the free sources of books while I spend all of my money on a house.
• I want to start celebrating past books I've loved as well as current reads. And what about the books I'm excited about? I might start joining in TTT or Waiting on Wednesday to celebrate books but we shall see finding time to blog is tough.
• I also want to start celebrating bloggers I love to visit. Either through blog posts or linking to things they're talking about. My blog has become way too closed off and independent of people and I used to love feeling included. I want to spend the time sharing the love because that’s what helps motivate all of us to keep blogging.
• I want to talk about the things which interest me. I want to talk more about games, or TV. I want to talk about how I went to a really cool bar last week. I want to talk about what I'm excited about. I know you see some of that in my Sunday posts, glimpses into my real life, but I want to share more with you. 
• And most of all? I don't want to contantly feel pressured to post. I won't have a schedule. I will stick to no plan and I want to try and feel ok about that. I know I've never really had a schedule before either but I kind of did in my head. 

I just saw Jamie at The Perpetual Page Turner doing this, and remember a while back Addison over at Of Spectacles and Books also did it, as did Amanda, and I remember when I saw her post then that I wanted to try this at some point. So, since it seems to be a thing everyone is getting in on, and since I’ve been gone for a little while this is a perfect way to catch up.

If we were having coffee… I would tell you about how I read A Little Something Different and absolutely loved it and try and force it upon you in anyway possible. It would be brought up repeatedly in conversation until you realised that, actually, this is a book you have wanted to read all along. Because that’s what I do with my friends, force them to read books I like, buying them as gifts at birthdays and holidays because you must read things always.

If we were having coffee… I would tell you how embarrassed I am at my current TV viewing habits, I now watch Eastenders and X-Factor! X-Factor was bad enough TV viewing because none of the judges really know what they’re talking about, they’re only in it for the money, but yet it’s mandatory viewing each weekend, I even record it in case I’m out. Eastenders though, that is a big embarrassment, I’ve never really been a soap watcher, there was a phase of me watching Hollyoaks when I was at uni, but I also watched Jeremy Kyle at uni, so I don’t feel that can really reflect accurately upon me as a person. Eastenders has Danny Dyer in being hilarious and I’ve started rooting for Shirley and booing at Sharon and I’m getting really into it, it’s weird.

If we were having coffee… I’d tell you my poor TV viewing habits can be redeemed by the fact I am also watching The Leftovers and Legends on TV, so I am not a complete TV embarrassment, just a small one. I would also tell you all about these TV shows to get you to watch them, because as well as being a book pusher, I’m a TV show pusher as well.

If we were having coffee… I would get serious as well and tell you that I’m really beginning to not enjoy my job. It’s never been something I loved, but I didn’t mind being there each day. I knew what my job involved and I did it, but there have been changes at work in the past couple of months. People have left, some have been or will be replaced, but one on our team hasn’t been, so our work load has increased. I don’t mind the extra work, that’s not the issue, the issue is that there doesn’t seem to be any appreciation that we are having to do more work, there is no offer of any extra benefits or a pay rise, we just have to do it because it’s a job that has to be done and we’re the only ones able to. It’s the fact that others teams in our department are struggling, just like we are, but as they’re struggling we’re being asked to train in their jobs and help them do their work, whilst I’m left wondering where’s the assistance for us, we’re struggling too why isn’t this going both ways? We’re being asked to help with others peoples jobs, but I know when it gets to the end of the month the managers will be asking why we’re behind in our work for the month and all we’ll be able to say is that we’ve been asked to do other jobs, we can’t be in three places at once. Sorry, this has been a bit of a rant and I could go on longer, but you get the idea, right? Work is getting me down because I feel underappreciated.

If we were having coffee… I’d tell you I don’t know what I want to be doing in life and it’s scary. I’m 23 and I have a degree but I don’t think I want a career where I will be continually climbing the ladder trying to get higher and get more money and responsibility. I want to work somewhere I clock in on a morning, do my job, have a couple of people I can chat with and have a laugh with whilst doing it, then clock out at the end of the day and not think about it again until I’m back the next day. I know that’s very uninspiring, I have myself a degree which I am doing nothing with, but that’s my choice isn’t it? When I tell people that though, they’re surprised, shouldn’t I be in a graduate position managing people and earning £30000 a year plus benefits? The idea of doing something like that terrifies me and makes me a bit sick, I don’t understand why there is this expectation for people to get educated and get a career. There’s more to life than money and a job, but sometimes I feel like I’m not even getting that right.

If we were having coffee… I’d tell you I’m scared my blog might not last the year. Since I went away on holiday and then with my internet going down I’ve had a month off from blogging and I’m finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. With things annoying me at work I’ve certainly been less motivated to blog, and with the internet being down I’ve obviously been no where near my computer in about three or four weeks, so all in all it’s been a bad month of blogging with September being a none blogging month essentially.I know once I start getting back into some kind of blogging routine I should be fine, but I’m not known for persevering with things so I do sometimes worry one day I’ll stop blogging because I feel a bit unmotivated and then just never come back.

If we were having coffee… I’d tell you I’m scared of growing up. I know I’m only 23 so it’s not like I’m a real adult or anything, I mean I still live at home with my mom, not very grown up is it? Last week one of my friends was talking about the future and about moving out and she was talking to me about how her and her boyfriend were saving for a house and she was thinking about mortgages and real grown up things and it terrified me. I can’t afford to move out, I’m saving to, but I know with the job I have now I earn no where near enough money to qualify for any kind of decent mortgage and that scares me. I’m scared that I’m even thinking about mortgages and having to get a better paying job to support myself, because I don’t want to be that person. I’m only thinking of getting a better job so I have more money. Money to buy a house with, because that’s what is expected, but I don’t even know what I want to do in life. I might want to travel, because I’ve never been anywhere really. I want to experience things before I have to be tied down to paying a mortgage and owning a hose, but I can’t save to travel and move out at the same time because of money. And that’s worse, everything is coming down to money at the moment, and I hate that and don’t know how to get out of that frame of mind.

If we were having coffee… I would tell you how I hate being so serious and just want to have a little fun. I’d tell you how I sometimes feel like I’ve skipped a few years, I didn’t embrace being a teenager and my early twenties enough and don’t feel like I’ve experienced all the things you meant to have at this point in my life. I’d tell you how I want to let my hair down and have fun but I feel like I forgot how. I’d also tell you that I enjoy being me, and like sitting in my pyjamas being lazy after work, but it sometimes feel like I should be doing more with my life, but I’m happy so I shouldn’t beat myself up.

If we were having coffee… I’d ask you how things are with you, because after that therapeutic rant you should get the chance to air your problems too. How are things with you? Have you read a good book recently? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

I know I said my internet went down last Sunday and that it would be up Wednesday, but it wasn’t. It’s back now, but those proposed posts I would write haven’t happened.

The past week has been a bit rubbish, both at home and at work. I have had no internet, which has made me extra irritable, and work has been appalling, which has made me a down right bitch. I promise I will write posts, my blog must go on, but I will try and be realistic about what I can do.

I have been reading plenty in the past week though, so I will hopefully be able to write up a few quick reviews, since I think mini reviews may be the way forward. I don’t think they’ll even be reviews, maybe quick thoughts on books? I don’t know, I’m figuring it out.

I figure I’m going to take the weekend to figure out what I want to do since I’ve essentially had a month off from blogging to I need to get myself back into the swing of things, but I’ll be posting Monday and Tuesday and attempting to be a good blogger again.

Hi guys. My internet is down so I won't be posting for a few days. Supposedly a technician will be round Wednesday to fix it so I'll write a couple of posts to get up by then but otherwise I'm going to be gone for a while longer so see you in October I guess?